the day my world stood stupid

Heidi said:

It's very easy to have feelings for anyone... it's just that who you chose to be with

Hmm... there is a certain truth to that. I kinda believe that love is a choice... it doesnt happen in an instant... Attraction, on the other hand happens in a instant. You can find someone attractive almost in a instant.. 1/4 of a second.. thats all it takes... but love is something that needs to be developed. Even in me previous relationship, love didnt happen in a instant for the both of us. In fact it took us some time to actually love one another. And bear in mind, when i say love, i'm not talkin about physical intimacy or what not.. i'm talking about giving in your whole life to sacrifice a lot for just ONE person. To devote yourself to one girl/boy. I admit it took me much longer to fall in love. Problem was, I didnt see the future in the early stages. But yea the light was there after some time. Lotsa stuff I had to change in myself but I know that these changes will not be bad on me because it will come in handy on my next relationship. Hmmm... not saying that I plan to, but it's just that I run on a fuel called love. Without it, life is meaningless for me. Love is not everything.... but love empowers everything and for me, I perform better in my studies when I'm in love. Reason? Love is my motivation... my guidance to be a better person. So well, I guess the love doctor needs some love too.... and right now... I love my friends and family =)

Moving on....
Yesterday my world stood stupid right before my eyes. For the past one month I have been driving a my car on a windy highway and she's been throwing HUGE blocks of boulders onto the road to stop my car from reaching to the destination (her) but all this while I have been always able to swerve around the blocks with my speedbreaker bullet time effect. Day by day I've been swerving around every block not giving up until yesterday when you know what? there was a big boulder in front of me and I slammed right into it without even realising. And there you go... cRaSh! hmmm.. undeniably, it seems that no matter what I do I always end up hurting her. Even if I tried my best, it just always goes wrong. Nothing is what it seems anymore. Hmmm.. kay what happen was I kinda unintentionally brought back our past and started arguing again.. it's just difficult for someone as expressive like me to keep things inside. I just want to let someone know how I feel... I've always been keeping my feelings to myself and for once I just want to be heard.. thats all... doesnt anyone out there want to listen to the problems of the love doctor who has been listening to everyone else's problems? sigh... i really didnt want to hurt her.. i'm sorry.. i'm so so sorry.... i dont want her to hold back on me... i dont want her to fail her exams.... i dont want her to cry..... i dont..... i...... i....... i tried my best to not bring it up. I'm just too frail.... but no.... it doesnt matter anymore because now I know I should stay away from her. I'm just not meant to be with her as a friend.... never.... I have been praying for God to give me an answer to guide me. I have the answer... I'm never ever looking back anymore. I swear..... i will never go back.... because I'll end up hurting her again... I just love her too much.