visions...

I sharded what I had kept in me for so so long...
Now all that is sealed shut in a 3 inch thick vault,
with 10digit password,
burried 10feet beneathe the ground...

I know I'll never have her... and thats what saddens me everytime I look at her photos.


I woke up this morning with a really odd feeling. My blurry vision came clear when I looked at my digital clock:

10:32am

I guess it was all just a dream. But it felt so real... everything was so detailed. Her lips as I remembered were soft yet tender. When she pressed her lips against mine, everything else in the world didnt matter. All that stood in front of me was her... everything else was just blurred colour schemes of random dull colours. Somehow now that I'm awake, I wished it was real. I wished it could have been part of my reality. But no.... i knew it'd never happen.

*flashback*

Yesterday was really really.... I can't even explain it. Yes I was an official DJ at a hotel. And my duty was to play the music and play it well. Had so much difficulty in the begining but it turned out smooth later on. How odd, I could see everyone has a partner dancing together lovingly... I longed for that to happen. But no... it wouldnt be tonight. I saw yokehang there... all we said that night was just a small "hi".. she gave me that smile that I recognised. The same smile she had almost a year ago. Though she and I are prolly not on good terms... still it makes me smile a weak smile when I think of what ridiculous matters happened to me in 2005... all of it. Oddly enough, Rae was there... yea well.. she was the one who got me the job for the night. Hmmm.. she looked all sweet in blue. Somehow, i never thought i'd be in such a situation. Heh.. prolly faZ was the ONLY person there that knew what was wrong with the whole picture. Yea any normal person would have just done something stupid like run away or put on a tantrum of avoid the people. But I didnt... I just looked at them and smiled. Because I know that both of them, have helped me in many wondeful ways. And no.. i'm not being sarcastic. I learnt a lot.... I really did.

*flashback ends*

Today was a rather odd day. Time flew so fast, I couldnt even.. do anything progessive. Hmm.. and then at dinner. She said something to me in one of her msg. And I replied the same. You know, before this I clearly knew what I meant when I said those words. Pure unconditional care... yes thats your four letter word there. But now... frankly I dont really know anymore. I guess I might have meant it in a different way. A more... deeper meaning. Emotional attachment... ugh... damnit jason .. Hmm... the love doc cant have any emotional attachment. It's forbidden. it's... it's not right. But then as I thought more of it, I stopped abruptly. I remembered

with 10digit password, burried 10feet beneathe the ground...

it had ended right there. the medula oblongata wouldnt allow me to futher persue. It refused to move. I gave in.... I agreed. I shouldnt comtemplate any futher...

Sometimes in life, we don't understand why we say or feel certain things in certain ways... but it doesn't have to have a reason...


Everything happens for a reason... let the reason be done.